Emily

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 23:39:24 GMT

this is really random that i am updating. i forget that livejournal even exists but i have a few minutes to kill and feel like updating now so i wont forget whats up in my life later.
random things...

this week we had a parent meeting for one of our boys who (although he's one of my faves) just cant seem to calm down and behave in class. the mom was samoan, barely spoke english, and was probably about 60. all she could really understand was that her son was not behaving and was getting bad grades because of it. she started to cry. then he started to cry. and sarah and i just looked at each other and tried so hard not to cry ourselves. every parent meeting we have, the boys always cry. normally its because they feel shame that their parents are angry with them. this time it was because his mom was crying with disappointment. it was pretty awful.

its COLD. haha its like in the 60s in the mornings lately. cold man, really cold.

ummm i ate healthily for a whole week! then this morning i ate crazy amounts of brownies but thats just one morning so i think im okay.

i've been observed a lot lately and that makes me nervous. on the one hand it isnt surprising... my classroom is like right beside the offices so its convenient. im a new teacher. they are supposed to observe us regularly... but on the other hand it has been very frequent lately. and that just makes me be like.. umm... is something wrong? but they NEVER give us feedback. good OR bad. i need SOMETHING. i'm not saying i need to be told "oh you're so wonderful" i just need to know what is good and what is bad. obviously im not the perfect teacher. that said though... i do work my butt off. another vetran math teacher came and borrowed packets i made because he was like.. oh wow you make these? can i use them? but we got the scores back from the first quarter tests and ouch man not good. not good at all. at ALL. we have to work on that.

i know this is rambly and makes no sense. i dont have time and its really only for my eyes.
christmas on the mainland SOON

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 23:04:22 GMT

So I'm sitting in Starbucks because our internet in our house isnt working.. can't really complain since we are only getting it since our neighbors dont have a password on their wireless. my cheap/lazy roommates dont feel the need to pay for our own.
i thought living with guys would mean less drama.. blah. these guys tend to spaz out about the tiniest things. they are also cheap and slobs. poor chloe and i are ready to kick them in their faces. i still have a crush on the one but i dont even know why. he's not that cute, we dont have a particularly good connection (so many awkward pauses when we try to talk), and he has TONS of qualities that i do not like. guessss im just lonely and desperate?

im still pale. i need to work on that a little bit.
we had a field trip on friday.. across the road to play in a field. haha fuuuun huh?
i took lots of pics of my kids though, so that was fun. it was fun to hang out with them outside of the classroom - not that i need them to see me in a casual light.. im already too friendly with them, i think

i think i have pnemonia (sp?) again. blah.. for a while i didnt have health insurance but now i do so i guess i should go to the doctor. im just sick of it. i ALWAYS feel like i have it. i get a bad cough all the time, its so annoying.

i am making myself be mega healthy for 1 week to see how it goes. haha its been about 20 hours so far ;) but thats SOMETHING.

i will probably have to switch to a new house at the end of december. our lease ends and although some of us want to stay, not all of us do... it would get to expensive if more than 1 person left.

i loooove my kids. its crazy.

i am the only one of the 7 people in my house without an apple computer. im hoping my fat dell will last me these two years and then maybe itll be time to get a new one. 6 years with the same laptop sounds like a good number to me.

my kids are obsessed with reggae music so im trying to get into it.

all of my sundresses from uva football games are really coming in handy now.

geckos are EVERYWHERE, its kind of hilarious. there are also some pretty massive snails.

i have to go to the bathroom but i dont want to leave my computer alone in starbucks.

its SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper to go from honolulu to pittsburgh and back for christmas than to go from pittsburgh to honolulu and back. sooo maybe i will come home for christmas rather than making my parents come to me. dont know dont know.

i miss my cats.

i wish gas wasnt so expensive. i would like to just drive around the island for fun on a daily basis.

i'm becoming very very frugal. i hate that i have a massive credit card bill from moving. i want to just pay it off with my next few paychecks and not spend money on ANYTHING else. rent, credit card bill, and rice.

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 22:49:02 GMT

So its Sunday and I am organizing/lesson planning/etc. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get it through my head that I have a job and I live in Hawaii. I'm an adult. Nahh I don't feel like it.
I got my first pay check and had to gasp when I saw how much was taken out for taxes. of course I KNEW that was how much would be taken out, but just in comparison to other part time jobs it is insane. I'm ollddd.
I adore my kids. I cannot make this entry fun or organized or anything because my life and my head are not organized right now. I am pretty confused about everything - not in a bad way. It's just... random thoughts or worries will come into my head.
Like... i love teaching. but it's only been 3 weeks. and if i dont want to keep teaching after 2 years (which is supposedly the plan) then what will i do? If i teach for two years how will i discover what else i would rather be doing? I will be emersed in education and thats it.
we start our classes at UH this week. Yikes. MORE to do. Technically time hasnt been an issue and I'm glad that I'll be getting my masters. I'm not sure why I'm glad if I don't plan to stay in education - maybe i do?
My kids are sooooo wonderful. But i take things to personally. Like i asked them to write a paragraph about how I could be a better teacher... aww. some were so complimentary and cute. others were borderline hurtful. others were obvious. others were just annoying because im sorry but letting them talk and play games would not make me a better teacher.
its hard because my school is restructuring. only about 11% passed the state math test last year and most of them are in the "advanced" math class so only about 5% of my kids passed it. sooo we have to do connected math which isnt scripted but its pretty close. my school is good about giving me freedom but still i dont like the books. and the kids hate them. its alll word problems and they are supposed to figure them out ontheir own. sooo they feel like im not "teaching" them enough and i feel the same way but sigh.. im not supposed to.
i am so glad i am a math teacher. there is no other subject that i would want to teach. my kids hate math but maybe i'll change that? doubtful. i kind of wish i were a high school teacher. 8th grade is an annoying age kind of. the math is also so basic that its frustrating. they cant multiply. they cant divide. they cant reduce fractions. but im supposed to make them do distance = rate x time. the idea of substituting in rates and times and solving for distance is foreign to them. what am i talking about?!

im not as tan as i should be. i need to be more bikini ready to go to the beach as much as i should. i went on a 7 hour hike on the windward side yesterday. whoa that is the hawaii people imagine. green and beautiful. we climbed up waterfalls and stuff. at one point i kinda cracked my head and started to bleed. then a 5 in diameter rock rolled and banged me in the back. tough girl. i felt like i was on lost or something.
we have NO furniture in our living room.. haha except the 3000 dollar tv/dvd/sound system that my one roomate bought. its kind of funny.. in a sad but wonderful way. if he needs it... he can buy it.
as i learn more about hawaii's history (im still completely ignorant) i feel more like whoaaa uhh why are they a state?
i am starting to add yea to the end of my sentences like people here do. My one student always says, "hoooooo miss" so i imitate him. my team teacher who is also tfa says he has a crush on me. i say.. well maybe i attract the 13 year olds what can i say. nooo they dont like me like that. i tower over them. the other day a bug attacked me in class and i said, " i cant help that im delicious" uhh i need to be more teachery. i think they like me though. one said im too soft so last thursday i was a bitch to one class. tomorrow im a bitch to the rest. get them back focused, no messing around.
there are geckos everywhere.
its hot as whoa. seriously i sweat nonstop all day. i have the oldest crappiest classroom. its like a little trailor. and it has only a few windows and lame fans. sooo i sweat. sweat. sweat. but its a good location in the middle of everything so kids are always visiting/hanging out.
where are the sexy men? not anywhere i can see.
i like the boy students so much more than the girls. they actually raise their hands and show some personality. girls just sit there and gossip. sooo its hard to not show favoritism. i hate calling home to parents because whenever i do, the kids "get a lickins" nooo i dont want that! but it gets the kids in line...
this week we have a field trip across the road to play games and eat all day. haha what a field trip! I have to miss an entire day of teaching so they can play.
the week after that we have a field trip to the uss missouri so that should be cool. but again, missing a day of teaching. geeze. achievement gap caused by... lack of time in school perhaps?
when oh when will i come home? dunno. christmas? i cant afford flights. starving teacher = me.
life is good. just exhausting. and emotional. i lie in bed and think about how im doing as a teacher and all the ways i can improve and when i screw up it kills me.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 14:42:34 GMT

I haven't been emailing or keeping a journal or ANYTHING and someday i might regret that. so here i go for 5 minutes. 5 minutes to sum up approx 1 month. well i have LESS than a week left in houston!! that is VERY good news. Institute is the hell of teach for america. technically i dont hate it that much, in fact i like it. but most people hate it and in many ways it does suck. wake up at 5 am and work with only a 2 hour break until like 9 pm plus all the stuff you didnt finish up makes you stay up past midnight. i like living in a dorm though. it is a great way for us to all get to know each other before we move into our houses on oahu and get busy with our different lives there. the hawaii corps as a whole has had an interesting experience here. we are really really close compared to some other corps and the others seemed to resent that?? it was also because we have some pretty obnoxious people and we (not me) are pretty ridiculously outspoken about our (at times) anti tfa feelings. basically since we are a charter corps we have NO support and our questions are ignored. it sucks. but yea we have each other and in a week i will be in hawaii!
i will be teaching 8th grade math at waianae intermediate. waianae intermediate has approx 8% of its students pass the state math test each year. By high school that rate goes down to 3%. The mayor of oahu sends all the homeless to the beaches of waianae so that the tourists wont see them.
i will be living in a 5 bedroom house with 6 other (7 total) people. im sharing a room which is pretty crazy/stupid i guess.. its saving me a TON of money though, and i love the people ill be living with. i know some better than others but its a pretty great mix of people from all over. Only one of them is teaching in waianae so itll be a good way to keep work and home semi-separate and keep me connected with lots of people in the corps instead of JUST the people i work with. we are living in kapolei which is "the second city of oahu" its pretty much a planned community and pretty modern.. and i think i like it like that. i didnt want to live in waianae and never get out - live there AND work there. so ill have to commute about 30 min... but i will be going the opposite way of commuters and ill be driving along the coast. pretty gorgeous. its not the lush side of the island but its beautiful in its own way.
in some ways, i am SO easy to please. I think houston is a nice city but i think im the only one that thinks that. its horribly sprawling and the weather is repulsive. i had never experienced true humidity until i came here. my feet get eaten by fire ants all the time. it rains a ton. its just gross. but ehh it has everything you could need/want. lots of places to go out and rice village has great shopping. i went to lot 8 - chloe dao's store yesterday. yeaaa project runway.
oo way over 5 min

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 03:14:19 GMT

Before dinner I started a surprisingly well written entry. It was my attempt to put my current feelings into words and it was going reasonably well... but then it was dinner time (delish mexican aka my fave for my last supper) and then my dad wanted on the computer.. and not that he is nosey, but i didn't really want to risk him reading my thoughts or even knowing that i have a computer journal. im not sure why so secretive..

anyway. now it is 11:04 pm and i am beyond the point of wanting procrastination excuses. i am straight up busy and dont want to procrastinate because i just want to finish.. a little part of me does want some kind of documentation though. it's a big time in my life, after all. (ditto for all graduates).

tomorrow morning my fam goes to pittsburgh. we are going to watch the pirates/padres game and then the boys go home while the girls camp out at an airport motel. I leave for Honolulu Monday morning at 8:25. I have an almost 2 hour layover in Houston and will arrive in Honolulu at 3:25 pm their time (today I learned that hawaii does not have daylight savings time, fyi). anyway.. im happy with my flight situation. my layover is part way there so its not like i have one tiny flight and one massive one. and then i get to hawaii and the craziness begins.

it is hard to assess how i am feeling.. i wouldnt say the feelings are necessarily good. I have to keep in mind, however, that a lot of the nervousness is purely due to the transportation aspect of the next couple of days. i love planes but i do get nervous.. and ill have a ton of luggage and be alone, etc. if i separate that out.. how am i feeling? not sure. not numb exactly.. just kind of.. a feeling of nothingness. i want to be so happy but i am also so sad and scared so the two extremes cancel out and i just sit here confused. of course i will visit home at some point over the two years but not REALLY. it is an upsetting feeling to consider all that can change over two years... of course BAD things spring to mind. as an example... will my cats all be alive? i know that is morbid and in the grand scheme of things not THAT important.. but i am moving 6 time zones away and because I am on my own financially and every other way, it feels so much more real than france did (plus its so much longer).

i've been trying to get in shape for the beach and although i've made progress, my goal for induction (the 5 days in hawaii before houston) is to not go to the beach. i KNOW that is so lame and awful but i've been getting into a good exercise routine and eating well and i think to myself... if i can put off the bathing suit until july 16th when i get back from houston... there might be a real difference!
i think there might be some cute guys in the hawaii corps. thats my real concern. cant have them seeing love handles all over my body magee. or something like that. but yea.. i cant exactly be the lame weird girl who DOESNT go to the beach while staying in waikiki. we will be busy though and technically i think a much better use of free time is exploring the island.. i'll be there two years i can sunbathe later.. ya ya i wont be staying in waikiki then but STILL.

ok this is longer than i meant for it to be. i still have institute homework to do and im only about 3/4 packed (which means i have a TON left to do). and technically i have to study for the math praxis but i have almost officially given up on passing that test anyway.

so this is it. it it it. i wont update at induction for sure. so then maybe institute? i guess i'll have to keep a journal.. i need somewhere to vent my thoughts.
one last thing.. i think a lot of the fear that i'm feeling is... the realization that in two days i will be meeting the people i will spend the next two years with. first impressions are huge and im excited but terrified because thats a lot of pressure... it's a great opportunity to just be ME while they have no preconceived ideas about me... but its also like whoaaa wait. who am i how do i want them to see me blah blah blah. i LOVE random things. new things. challenging things. and fresh starts. i think i thrive on this feeling of sick terror. sigh. this. is. it.

aloha

Wed, 24 May 2006 12:45:39 GMT

i have SO much to do... SO SO SO much to do. but.. i just graduated on sunday and drove home monday.. so im having trouble getting started. im tired and im in a weird mental place feeling all kinds of weird emotions - although mostly im feeling "why am i NOT feeling more?!" its a big time in my life (and all the other graduates lives as well) and i want it to be some kind of monumental transition. ehh but im just kind of going with the flow. if my parents werent forcing me to do things like get last minute drs appointments.. i probably wouldnt even do it myself? i dont know.. weird. but i do have a TON to do. i leave june 5th. thats so soon! i have about 40 hours of institute preparation to do. i have to relearn high school math -- its harder than i remember. i have to figure out what to pack, what i need to buy, how to ship things.. blah blah blah. i keep getting new things on my plate.. like apparently now i need to get letters of recommendation for the masters program at university of hawaii. so annoying. i HATE getting letters. i also have to go observe two classes.. i cant do it this week but are they even still learning next week?! ill have to observe students sitting there goofing off. tomorrow i have to take the praxis which is supposed to be easy but i have to be in monroeville by 7:30 am and its like 4.5 hours long. as busy as i am... i ALWAYS make time for my fave tv shows. tonight is a good night too!.. lost and top chef! hahaaa. goooo harold!
what else? graduation was nice. it was an amazing day so walking the lawn was beautiful. my individual psyc graduation was at the aquatic and fitness center, though, so that was a little lame.
i had to be hostess to lots of family. we got catered food from whole foods and had a picnic.. idiot me thought the blobs of white stuff in the pasta was chicken - or maybe tofu. so i ate like 6 large pieces only to later discover they were mozzerela (sp?). so i felt sick because i realized i had eaten a TON of cheese. i thought i was all healthy but whoops.
ok i cannot start an entry saying i have SO much to do and then make it a loooong entry. its clear im just procrastinating. siighhh. today i will:
go to the dentist
make my mom's birthday dinner
watch gooood tv! ;)
finish lesson 1 and 2
send in insurance and institute info
email monnica, bed girl, and a teacher to observe
run
look at praxis stuff
clean my room for an hour.
ok that sounds definitely doable. maybe even squeeze in a little young and the restless... yessss

Mon, 01 May 2006 03:06:47 GMT

and its official. june 5th i leave for hawaii. june 11-july 15 is a little detour to houston. then its back to hawaii for two years. i love the random newness of it.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 03:58:10 GMT

lately i have been slacking at life. i was so sure that as soon as i had a future (a job) i would be able to relax and just enjoy the remainder of college.. that hasnt been the case. rather than attempt to savor every last second i have been sittin in my room, googling hawaii, waiting. its annoying me and hopefully starting tomorrow that will change. obviously thats late in the game but better late than never.. or something like that. i have a final the second to last day of finals.. which is lame since its an easy final.. but itll keep me in cville longer than i otherwise would have stayed. hopefully that will = lots of partying and exploring. it really is a pretty awesome place to live and surprise surprise... i didnt take advantage of it while i was here. so tomorrow is my FIRST foxfield. thats pretty ridiculous. 1st year i had boyfriend drama and was a lame girlfriend and skipped it to be with him. 2nd year i had a job. 3rd year i was abroad. soooo FINALLY im going. i almost skipped out again since a few of my closest friends arent going... but no. im def going. i like that chi o's bus doesnt leave til 10:30... other people are leaving at like 9 am but that would be way too much time in the sun "watching horse races" (drinking and waiting in the monster sized bathroom lines). i have plans for a hearty breakfast with mimosas and my dress is cute... although not the typical overly preppy variety.
so aparently there are FOUR other uva kids going to hawaii for tfa. thats a LOT considering there are 50 total. one is REALLY cool.. almost to the point of intimidating me. one i didnt see at all. one i saw from a distance. and one that was strangely aloof and uninterested in talking to the other hawaii people. weird. theyre allll girls. i take the praxis 2 on june 10th.. haha ive started studying already! i borrowed some math books from my internship... im currently on chapter 6 of algebra 1. my roomates were laughing at me. im definitely zooming through but i get stuck on some parts!! i really hope i pass the test because i actually think it would be fun to teach math. not as...creative as other subjects. but ill MAKE it creative. im a problem solver. everyone thought teeter was out of andre but i found some. see, problem solver. ;)

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 00:46:06 GMT

i applied for teach for america but didnt really talk about it much because its really competitive and i didnt think i would get it..
but i did!!

im absolutely speechless.

they want me to teach secondary math.. wha?? i think that i have a natural aptitude for math but... uhh i havent exactly done any lately. i dont really think im qualified??

soo.. i dont know for sure that im going to do it. tomorrow or monday i find out if i get the lab job in providence. that job would about guarantee me acceptance to graduate school. but... how can i turn down teach for america? its what i REALLY wanted. it would be my chance to keep helping the kinds of kids that i work with in my internship...

and they assigned me to HAWAII

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 14:25:23 GMT

waiting game. i kind of like it. well i do now. lets see what i think when its over.
i just finished the official rough draft of my thesis. the real thing is due in about 12 days. yeaaa so im behind its not really my fault.. well a tiny bit.. but my advisors are really crappy too. and i cant work without pressure so its best this way.
GORGEOUS weather. g o r g e o u s.
i watched derailed last night. i really liked bc 1) i love that kind of movie and 2) i typically dont try to "figure out" movies.. i just watch and enjoy. so although MAYBE i was stupid to not have figured out the plot twists, that made me like the movie better.
i dont think im going to beach week. that means i wont have EVER gone to college beach week. sad yes but 1) im not bikini bodalicious yet and 2) im ready to leave.. it makes me a little sad that im not all OH MY GOSH I LOVE MY GIRLS AND CANT IMAGINE LEAVING THEM! but im not like that. so im ready to move on. its weird. i go through phases. sometimes i want to be so so close to my friends and others.. im just like.. eh whatev. i would like to say its a psychological thing that i am preparing to move on from college... but really i think that i have ultimately decided that with a few exceptions, eh i wont miss my uva friends that much. i know that i wont be living near them bc everyone i know is either going to ny or dc and neither are my style.
whhhaaat else. oh so the girl that i stayed with at my interview was basically my reality tv loving counterpart AND she had the cutest cats AND the guys that she lived with, although a weee bit dorky, also loved reality tv and cats. how perfect. and i was an amazing little guest giving her cookies and a thank you note. aw im getting to be grown up and gracious.
SO... to end this lame little entry i have a story.
So thursday i had an interview in providence, ri. i was to be picked up at the airport at 1pm even though my flight was originally supposed to get in at 9:44. sooo i had a little wiggle room.
well.. my flight was from charlottesville to dulles and dulles to providence. however when i got to the airport at 5 am i discovered that my flight was delayed like 5 hours and i wouldnt be in providence on time. so after some panicking they switched me to a charlottesville-new york-providence flight. as i go through the little medal detector area they inform me that i have been randomly selected to be searched (felt up) and have my bag and shoes swabbed for who knows what. so they do that and i wait for my ny flight. fabulous. until a voice announces that the cville-ny flight has been delayed and i would again miss my providence connection. so i go back downstairs and learn that in order to get to providence i must first fly south to charlotte. great, whatev. only to get back to the waiting area i have to AGAIN be felt up/swabbed "if you are randomly selected the first time we have to do it every time". so i get to charlotte and chill out for a little.. and some REALLY hot men start showing up. at first i think they are businessmen. charlotte is a financial center and im suddenly really jealous of my friend melissa who is doing ibanking in charlotte next year. but then... more come. and many of them are speaking spanish. and... there is an awful lot of bling. we're talking... blinged out crosses with their suits. not so businessy, clearly they are athletes. and wouldnt you know that my seat is right smack in the middle of all of them? eventually i got the guts to ask the guy beside me who they are... they are the indianapolis indians. the aaa team for the pirates - the team a step up from the curve. so they are insanely hot. way hotter than their pictures that i later googled revealed. jj furmaniak, my seat buddy, and i talked for most of the plane ride. i looked like crap having left my apartment at 430 am but he was SO insanely nice and took a real interest in me and in my interview. most of them slept the entire charlotte-providence plane ride but when they talked they were funny and well hot. although versace sunglasses on a man? not sexy.
now this story has a moral. it was a sign. two days earlier i had decided to become a baseball fan. i learned the team names and what league they were in. i was still hesitant though.. how do you make yourself love something? well... after a bunch of flight mix ups and flying south in order to go north, and then flying with some sexy men.. thats inspiration. the only problem is that i had decided not to be a pirate fan. i was going to wait and see where i moved. once i choose a team i cant abandon them.. and since i am already obsessive about the steelers and penguins, my only hope for having a team where i move is to wait and pick baseball later. but after this... how can i not got for the pirates? well one reason is that they suck.. 0-5? something like that. if i go to providence they have an aaa team for the red sox(who the indians were going to play) but... i cant jump on the red sox bandwagon. it makes too much sense to not jump on though... paw sox on providence and boston like 40 min away. ok im jumping the gun they interviewed a whole ton of people so i prob wont get that job anyway.
the only way to get through not having a clue what the future holds, however, is to get excited about the possibilities while they are possibilities.
whew long one

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 16:57:29 GMT

life is pretty good. im writing this as i wait for my little pita pizzas to cook... mmm sauce and cheese are good on just about anything.
i have a job interview in providence on thursday. i fly out of charlottesville at 6 am thurs and leave providence at 6 am friday. quick trip! im super scared bc they are picking me up from the airport and then i am staying with one of the girls after the interview. that a LOT of hours to be "on". i dont know that i actually want to work in a psyc lab but its pretty much the only thing that i am qualified for and it will obviously be good experience for eventual grad school. providence is supposed to be nice so we'll see.. there are a couple other lab jobs that i heard about in boston and pittsburgh. i feel almost like a bad person... i have several friends who are looking for psyc lab jobs and havent heard about any. i, however, randomly looked at upenn's psyc dept website and they list a bunch of jobs.. like the one in providence. aaanddd.. im not telling anyone about the website or about my interview. if they applied they would be my direct competition! yea ok so maybe its mean but this stupid world is so competitive! i need any edge i can get. anyway... they could find the penn list too if they looked.
what else... formal is friday but no date and no dress = no go.
my last date func was fun til it was over and my date stole my car while drunk! yea. whoa. he was supposedly my good friend.
my thesis advisor read part of my thesis for the first time and was really impressed. its hard to explain how good impressing a professor makes me feel. he also said that he thinks a reward for doing a thesis should be getting published, so he'll work on something that i could be an author on.. that would be pretty great.
its been GORGEOUS here the past few days. borderline HOT. but now its looking awfully rainy
pizza's ready!

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 17:06:14 GMT

typical 5 minute entry, ready go!
im in charlottesville for about 24 hours. actually thats an exaggeration, its more like 20. i had to come back to have a thesis meeting with my advisor( also know as the worst advisor ever). since i dont feel like driving four hours down and four hours back in one day ill prob stay the night. which means ill put in a few makeup hours at my internship and then settle in for some americas next top model and PROJECT RUNWAY!!! im so excited but also so scared. i reeeeaaally want daniel to win but i dont know. last episode made me think he wouldnt.
ive been slacking on my thesis. i have done SOME but i was going to totally dedicate spring break to it since i have no fun plans to dedicate it to. oh well a little progress is better than nothing. plus i drove FOUR hours to do statistical analysis. thats commitment.
i have to ask my internship advisor for a letter of recommendation and im super scared. i already asked for one for grad school and we know that didnt work out so well. sooo this letter is really different meaning she has to start all over and i feel like such an inconvenience. consequently i put it off and put it off which gives her less and less time and makes the request more and more inconvenient.
my apartment is cooold.
i want zazus.
i miss winkle and butterbutt. it was so nice hanging out with them while i was at home. illl see them again tomorrow.

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:54:15 GMT

i went out for about an hour last night and i made an disturbing observation.
girls go nuts when since u been gone plays in a bar. this much we know.
last night, i discovered the male equivalent.
there was singing. there was swaying. there were lit up faces.
it was not just one group of guys, it was every guy, at every table, in every corner
getting down
to
build me up buttercup.

and it was awesome. ;)

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 21:20:08 GMT

im listening to the penguins game and making a tshirt for the superbowl! haha so far its actually looking really good... im just making it to look like a jersey -- only way cheaper and it looks like a little kid made it. whatevvv

lately i have been freaking out about.. life. WHAT am i going to do next year? the year after? the year after that? part of me cant imagine not going back to school for SOMETHING - but what? and part of me just wants to get into a company and slowly rise up in the ranks and not go back to school. i would love to teach english abroad for a year or two but that wouldnt get me any closer to deciding what i want to do with my life. i kind of want to do something with psyc, obviously.. but i also kind of really want to do something more creative.. something where there is more change, more fun, more travel. i cant imagine sitting in a lab all day or sitting on a couch listening to people talk about their problems all day. i wish i could just change jobs every two years for the rest of my life and try everything. i guess ill have to marry rich becuase i sure wont be making much. which is fine with me... but its also scary. some days im so excited that i could go ANYWHERE and do anything (well not ANYTHING) but ya know. i annoy myself that i didnt major in something more practical like econ but psyc is practical in a -understand myself and those around me.. know how to interact with people and know what motivates people- kind of way. but i dont think companies really... appreciate it.
i miss my kitties~!
i think i have a crush on a boy. problem: he used to like me then i set him up with my friend bc i didnt like him. they had a short little thing that was very.. not good. so i cant like him. and i dont think that i do, really. but.. i do? make sense? he's not cute. if youre an unattractive male i will probably be strangely attracted to you. --or if youre the bachelor. he's quite a man.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 16:27:41 GMT

5 minute update ready go!
i decided i should because i was looking over old ones and was so glad to have a journal to look back on... have to keep it going.
this break has been a pretty big bust. i was going to do a ton of thesis work and i have done ZERO. thats pretty disgusting/pathetic. i just cant focus while im at home. so school starts not next wednesday but the one after... im going back next wednesday though so that i have about 2.5 days to do nothing but work, then rush workshops saturday and sunday, then rush begins monday and its a week of intense sorority action. haha gag. but also fun. its fun to hang out with the girls a lot and for some reason i love rush - i missed it last year since i was in lyon.
everything has a "feel" and i like rush's feel... its kind of like an extended christmas feel in our gorgeous house with girls dressed up and lots of yummy treats to eat and comraderie uhh spelling?
ive been seeing lots of movies this break. i think pride and prejudice was my favorite and i dont even like keira knightly. two more hockey games before i go back to school... the penguins arent totally sucking anymore but they wont make the playoffs either. went to pittsburgh with my parents for new years. uhhh yea went to bed at like 10.
i miss my school friends and cant wait to go back and go out. i miss getting all prettied up and seeing (semi)cute boys.
ive gotten rid of SO many old clothes to goodwill this break. im proud of myself. just kind of cleaning out my closet preparing for...wherever i am next year.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 01:09:02 GMT

so ive been home for over a week and im BOREd. i cut about 8 inches of my hair off - it was way ridic long.
i saw syriana today and there was a preview for the last holiday with queen latifah... i SWEAR it takes place in karlovy vary, a little tiny resort town near prague. i went to it with two friends bc the one girl's grandma was born there. they make these yummy sugar cookies and have natural hot springs (or something like that). well anyway it was a brief shot of the town and this fancy hotel but i swear i recognized it. made me happy and sad at the same time.
tomorrow my last app is due and even though i did the others ages ago ive put this one off bc ehh im lazy and i could. so i think im going to do that now.
shortish hair and karlovy vary. thats really all i had to update

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 02:55:56 GMT

last night at uva. i finished way early, huh? no finals. so im drinking a nice beverage and dancing around my room getting ready for a fuuun night out. then umm yea i have to write an essay tomorrow then HOME. HOME on dec 7. cahhhraaazy. visiting big t thursday hopefully and pittsburgh saturday night. mmm life is good

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 15:19:52 GMT

http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/bestplaces05_list.aspx

im finally really starting to understand that. charlottesville has been #1 on tons of lists like that and i always thought.. i mean its cool but ehh? i dont know, i just am really starting to love it.
i think thats what going for a long walk near monticello (jefferson's home) at 7 am will do for you.
its weird to be like... altoona? 112? what? but now i must get back to work. i have tons of application stuff/papers/projects all attacking me at once. in a way i feel REALLY stupid even applying to graduate school. getting the recommendations from professors was embarrassing. i was like.. i mean i know getting in is about impossible but i thought i would try..
so when i dont get in i wonder what ill do? its weird that im not worried. dont care. i just feel like itll work out no matter what happens. just as long as i find a tiny little apartment somewhere that allows cats.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 15:17:10 GMT

i feel like i am in a box. and that box has like 20 machines attached to it at all different location. and each machine is either sucking me toward it or repelling me away from it with incredible force.

maybe that makes no sense. but this whole grad school application process is killing me. im questionning my interests. yes. bottom line. 100%. no doubts. i want my phd in clinical psychology. but what specifically do i want to study? for a while it was adults but now i think its kids. not itty bitty ones but like.. teenagers. i love my internship and thats influencing me more than maybe it should. maybe if my internship was with adults i would like adults or if it was with people with schizophrenia i would like schizophrenia. but as it is... adolescents? and i dont want people with major hard core problems. so maybe kids with behavioral problems like the delinquents that i work with really would be good. and ultimately i dont think i really care about counseling i do actually really enjoy research and would love to teach.. so academia seems like the route for me. but ahh. getting recommendations and getting them in time? figuring out where i want to go?! i spend HOURS each day on different schools websites. i wasted so much time looking up professors for what used to be my topic of interest so with my change of heart comes a whole new search. one guy replied to my email to say yes he will accept one student this year and he typically gets 50 applicants. 1/50 ?! hahahahahah funny. i mean i wouldnt accept me. i meet the requirements, gres are good, grades are pretty good, have done research. but nothing super fab. and i cant even put my interests into words. personal statement? can i just state, "take me i promise ill work hard and ill make myself be interested in whatever you want me to be interested in i dont really care"

the penguins suck.

this cold weather is intolerable. i cant handle the cold. why am i the ultimate wuss?
i wish northern people would move south so i could live with non-southern prissy people in a warmer climate. but not too warm. there needs to be snow on christmas. how about cold = nice flurries and an inch. dont need more than that. but dont want less. and dont want it to last too long.
i took the www.findyourspot.com survey. on page 7 out of 8 in the corner it was like, "this town famous for leap the dips is currently one of your highest scoring spots" haaaaaaaa. luckily by the end of page 8 it wasnt anywhere to be found in my top like 40 towns. i dont know how that happened. i also dont know how they ignored my dislike for intense cold and told me to move to hartford and providence. i watched noel - which is a bad movie but paul walker is unbelievably sexy - and i think it might have taken place in hartford. its a sign. but they dont have a hockey team anymore. and i dont care about later, i care about now. about grad school. and that is def not an option for grad school.

i cant wait for dec 1 (bc yea thats the freaking ridic early deadline for clinical apps) then im free... until i find out i got in nowhere. and then become a drifter. i decided that would actually suit me well. i dont like to stay in one place. i dont like routine. drifter for me. YEASSS.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 04:54:15 GMT

hopefully this will be quick because its purely procrastination.

this weekend was fall break (early but whatev) and I went to dc. my psychology seminar this semster is called flourishing and its all about positive emotions and bettering yourself, shifting the focus away from negative psychopathology and exploring the emerging field of "positive psychology". so anyway i found out that the author of one of the books we are reading was speaking at the international positive psychology summit and then looked at the other speakers and realized that we are reading articles by tons of people that were going to be there. sooo i decided to do something different and scary and just go to it all by me lonesome cause nobody else was willing to pay 175 to, in their opinions, be way bored. it was amazing. it was so fulfilling and enjoyable - something very intellectual yet something that i completely understood because it is what i have been studying. they would reference other people and ideas and i knew exactly what they were talking about. it was ridiculously intimidating at times and i mostly hung out with some random woman who was a little strange but very nice. at one point my professor who was there hung out with me, letting me eat lunch with him. ahh i would rather sit alone in a corner i felt like such a poser. i didnt belong in his conversation. he's like famous psyc guy talking to other famous psyc people and im a 21 year old girl who is really excited because the penguins were playing in dc and i got to go. yea it was only preseason NONE of the even semi good players even played. but it was fun. i stayed at lindseys house in arlington and took the metro to and from dc friday and saturday and she and her boyfriend went to the game with me on friday night. the ONLY thing im disappointed in myself for is not exploring dc at all. the conference did help me determine exactly what i want to do in grad school - well not EXACTLY but it REALLY will help me formulate my personal statement of interests. something about.. wanting to combine principles of positive psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy for the prevention and treatment of depression and anxiety disorders. or the use of positive psychology for anxiety disorders since it has only been used for depression up to now. and of the 24 character strengths and virtues, zest is my favorite and i want to focus on ways to enhance it through engagement to combat depression/anxiety. basically i just really want to get into grad school... but im starting to have mixed feelings. after going to the conference i feel like yes i still REALLY want to get in immediately and begin the 5-7 years it will take me to get my degree and begin my real life.. but i dont actually think that would be the BEST thing for me in the long run. its the most appealing because i dont want to "waste" a year doing random research and waitressing or something but i cant help but admit that doing that would help me to approach grad school with a much more focused, mature outlook. well the odds of getting in are microscopic unless i apply to a totally horrible crap unknown program and i dont want that. soo ill just have to let them decide for me if im ready or not. cant help that i have minimal experience. sigh. why cant taking a year off to travel be seen as the best way to enhance a resume for clinical psyc. blah working in labs.

i think im coming home this weekend! first penguin game! AHH SOOO exciting. get to see my brother and my fam and celebrate the depressing fact that im less than a week from being an old lady palindrome. the only negative thing is that i would miss semi formal. butttt theres only one guy i would even consider asking and he's been my friend since first year so the fact that i have a crush on him is embarrassing.
ewwwwwy too much procrastination.

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 15:36:35 GMT

i made a horrifying discovery..
my face is not symmetrical. yea yea i know, VERY few people are. but im not talking a small difference. ive always known i have a crooked smile, for instance, no big deal. BUT im like 90% sure my entire face (combo of eyes, nose, and mouth) is off center! hahaha ok i know big deal out of nothing and im not actually freaking out.. but i think it really is! i wonder if i always sleep with the left side of my face down.. hmm maybe i can gravitationally even it back out with a couple years worth of nights on the right. except.. facial features dont just.. move. sigh.

so to apply for graduate school i need to decide: do you want to work with adults or kids. i dont know?!?! i always was like adults, most def. but i like the idea of working with teenagers the best i think.. just not LITTLE kids. but i think that means i like kids. and then there is the factor that my internship is totally based on kids so if i said kids i kind of have some relevant experience and maybe i could actually get in. but its the rest of my life. i could always just reapply if i get rejected everywhere... a definite possibility by the way. in 2003 pitt which is ranked like 24ish in 2006 by us news and world report accepted 11 out of 236. and most of the others have even bleaker stats. i know im a solid applicant. good scores or whatever, but top11? hmm lets go with no.

im reading dhammapada: the sayings of buddha.

i think im going apple picking today. so i did a search: what can i do with apples? because i know im gonna be like OH there is a good one. that one looks delish! another one! wait i saw a good one. and before ya know it my bag will be filled with more apples than one should ever eat.

to go home or not to go home for my birthday. ive never had a fun school birthday so i want to stay.. but its the first penguin game.. sigh. decisions decisions

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 04:18:12 GMT

try to remind myself that i was happy here before i knew that i could get on a plane and fly away from the road where the cars never stop going through the night to a life where i can watch the sun set and take my time..

its not that i miss lyon its just that oh gosh, i love change. so that makes no sense typing song lyrics that say i want to go back but saying i love change. im saying i want to go back because well.. im so greatful to that experience because it made me realize a lot about myself.. such as: i love change. its not so much that i want to go back as i am excited to go forward

i wouldnt have thought that was true about me. i thought i preferred predictability and consistancy, a steady, comfortable life.

well i dont.

i want to explore. i want to see and experience and be confused and be scared.

even when the current situation is wonderful, i love starting over.

about a week ago i realized im an optimist. strange realization but its true. if a situation sucks, i point it out. its my sense of humor i guess. but i dont believe it. i dont have any doubts that it will all work itself out in the end. its strange how even beginning to think of yourself in a different way makes it easier to actually be that way. ever since i made the funny littly realization (aided by my AMAZING psychology seminar) that i am more optimistic than i thought, i have BEEN more optimistic. power of positive thinking or something.

this is me being... weird as i try to be psychological as i brainstorm for grad school personal statements.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 12:40:37 GMT

well well well its been a while. i think its easier to update if i say.. ok type until this time and whatever you get done you get done. makes tackling the whole whoa i havent updated in forever a bit easier. ok so i have 4 more minutes.. haha didnt give myself much time.
- im back in charlottesville officially .. maybe til thanksgiving! my gre prep class doesnt end until just before my fall classes start so i dont think i can go home then and another weekend trip is just too daunting with the annoying 4 hour drive both ways that i know so well its ridiculously boring.
- the gre class... hmm. well im one of six people in it which means its a tiny class and she calls on people to answer EVERY single question. there is no hand raising its just, "ok emily why dont you answer this one" or "walk us through the answer choices" great wonderful except for 50% of the time when you dont know the answer or do but just cant explain why.. you just KNOW. i did ok on the quantitative part of the little diagnostic test we took.. verbal was weak though. its so weird that i have to start seriously looking into grad schools. ahh im not a baby. my mom almost cried when i left for charlottesville.. i havent been home much at all in the past few years.
- my apartment here is coming along. its annoying because girls subletted their rooms and put allll their belongings in the common area to give the subletters room in the actual room. not fair for me!
- what else.. umm oh well about my room.. its a white square with wood floors. not decorated at all yet
- ahhh i got a new car!
out of time.

Mon, 30 May 2005 08:05:40 GMT

im not going to pretend that i really understand the european union or the reasons why france voted to reject the constitution yesterday. in my head i understand it a lot better than i am able to put into words if i try to explain it to someone. we talked about it in one of my classes the other day. but basically, france is stupid. hah no ok they arent stupid. i do think its weird to vote on sunday though. i like being semi knowledgable about real things. i hope that i continue to be interested and to want to read real newspapers and magazines when i get home.
its pouring rain. and its the most refreshing thing in the world. it was so pretty (SO PRETTY) for so many days and i felt constant pressure to be outside doing things (i mostly ignored the pressure and lazed around). but it made me feel guilty. now, i can say.. LOOK its raining. i have to stay inside. im forced to be in my cozy apartment drinking tea and eating pasta and reading.. except I HAVE NO MILK. and i only have ONE chapter left in my book (cloud atlas - i would recommend it although it has some very slow parts). so its like.. i need to go to marche u and the book store. i found an awesome english bookstore at place bellecour. its been so close all this time! makes me feel a little stupid how ive struggled to pick out books from the limited selection at fnac or how ive gotten really excited when in dublin or london and bought very expensive books *just cuz.
im seriously running out of friends in lyon!! i guess its a nice thing for lyon to be losing some of its appeal - make it easier to leave. at this point the only person other than colin that im really friends with that is left is martin and although hes great and i would die without being able to visit him a million times a day and use his internet, i miss girls! i miss getting text messages! and colins brother who lives in norway is visiting so he's kind of occupied. his brother is less... traditional.. than i expected. i knew he had worn his hair long before and had dreadlocks but i thought he was beyond that phase. nope. dredlocks. gross. and i dont know, i didnt like him that much. his brother and his friend nick almost wouldnt let him come see me last night. he was pretty upset when he finally came over because he had had to escape and they made him feel guilty to bailing. well whatever, that way his brother got his bed AND excuse me, im leaving so so soon.
ive been watching a lot of family guy lately. its funny - really funny. and i am "addicted" but i dont love it. im only addicted because there isnt anything better (aka there is NOTHING else) to watch. its weird how its so much more fun to watch funny things with people who love and really appreciate them. col cracks up which makes it so much better. i love when i understand a reference to something from pop culture/my childhood. like the last episode we watched was about mister rogers. and the trix rabbit was in one we watched the other day too. he watches and laughs and doesnt even realize that he doesnt understand at all. i know there are things that go way over my head too but it makes me a little sad that he who really loves the show doesnt even get half of the humor.
i actually check a britney spears gossip site regularly. is it site or cite? i always forget. anyway, i know its lame. i do. but i love it and i wont stop doing it. the other night jen and i were googling "skinny lindsay lohan" too because that girl went from voluptuous redheaded vixen to pastey blonde nasty twig. i think its funny how when i want to lose weight now i think to myself.. well britney spears is pregnant. so technically SHE is fatter than me. now... in like a year she will have an AMAZING body. soo... i can too. thats basically how my logic works.
mmm tea from a biiiiiiig starbucks mug. nothing better.
ive been looking at gre stuff a little lately. shooot i have to study literally like its my job.. as in like 6 hours a day this summer. ive gotten good grades and done psyc things but stupid test is a killer. i also dont like how it would clearly favor certain majors. i know that its "basic" math but math majors have just developped a different mindset than others. a more logical way of looking at things.. plus they probably can do basic things no problem and can to calculations in their head. and english majors.. well i kind of think that everyone should major in english. i have so many english major friends and they all are just so well spoken and write so well that it makes them appear way more intelligent than the average person. also. french has ruined my ability to spell in english. i know that i have spelling errors above and i just have to accept it and not care until i leave france because my poor head is in such a mixed up state. ill be in french class and i cant think of very basic american things. like the name of the euthanasia doctor which i now remember but refuse to attempt to spell. its like when i think in french a part of my english/american life brain is shut off. and its not just when i think in french. maybe its getting older - gasp! - but i forget things! like yesterday i couldnt remember the name of king of prussia. i dont know, sometimes being over here i feel like my brain is growing and all this info is just seeping in because im constantly surrounded by new things. other times that increase feels more like my brain is inflating with nothing but random syllables and crap and will soon expload. shoot cant spell. but i think once im back at home and only have ONE french class and its with people who were at my level BEFORE i came here i will be able to kind of push this big french rock too the side and resume my life and regain my knowledge.. not that i want to lose what i have gained.. not that my brain has a finite amount of space that is almost full.. but its almost like a claustrophobic feeling that i cant get away from the french and the experience and its overwhelming powers leave me helpless.
haah ok exaggeration.
but its still pouring so i felt like ehh, why not keep writing.
ok so french club in high school sold candy that was either apple or i think strawberry flavored (green or pink) and came in little bags. they were kind of hard but chewy. well, glups - my favored candy store in the world - has them here.. except they also have white ones the are caramel flavored and i seriously want to just go to a heaven where i am a little angel sitting on a cloud made of these candies. so delish! plus of course there is all the coke flavored candy.. big medium little, sour, not sour. and mm cherry coke too! and then there are the mini mars bars. and the either coke or fruit flavored oval shaped chewy slightly sour ones like the haribo ones from berlin.. and the slighty fizzy tart tutties. and the tarantulas that turn my mouth blue! oh and of course chupa chups because im not obsessed. candy = my one true love. i dont need no colin just as long as i got me some candy.
im so excited for fourth year. i just feel more mature in the way i live after living alone here. i like to cook more and i feel more inspired to keep my living space clean and pretty. hopefully to exercise. but basically i just feellike i can my apartment feel more like a home. too bad the location kinda is sucky for going out but its right below carrie! and i have a parking spot. so really i guess i cant complain.
it is still pouring but i really would be embarrassed if i wasted any more time writing nonsense.

Thu, 26 May 2005 07:17:50 GMT

another i have no time entry.
must leave for class in 2 minutes.
last night colin and i watched the champions league final - sooo insane. liverpool won which of course is cool because you want the underdog to win.. but after being down 3-0?? yea. really good game. col was sad because their aussie got injured REALLY early on.
i think i might go to paris alone this weekend. i have NO time left to procrastinate the trip anymore and well, i kind of want to go.
its been gorgeous here all week and i havent been taking advantage of it. moron.
stupid france strikes all the time. public transportation especially. causes MAJOR problems. col had to walk like 2 hours to my apartment yesterday.
mmm im starting to really like cooking. especially simple things like pasta and chicken. but then if you add lots of random spices it makes it look official.
back to the public transportation, because it wasnt working yesterday i missed a goodbye dinner at a super famous fancy restaurant. i wasnt in the mood to spend 40 euros on dinner anyway.
what else? oh right, no time.
off to class then crepe lunch then goodbye afternoon with my favorite sexy flower jen